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The Darkness of My Heart

de Timothy Brindle

So sin’s mold is in all of brindle’s soul’s crevices
Living life by the law of timothy
Caused a near loss of family and a loss of ministry
So in the pit of sin I often ask the question
Why am I such an awful tragic mess?, and
I wrote this candidly, a hopeless man is me
But is cuz I’m from a broken family?
Are my problems rooted in my childhood?
Cuz without good family structure, I now should
Consider them, my griefs and my calamities
Are they legitimate reasons for insanity?

Cuz it’s apparent my parent’s marriage was broken
But I respond as such: My God is lust that I hope in
Giving me the ability to feel at ease in the moment
But in my pain I suffer, can I blame another for my own sin?
It’s blame-shifting!
But is early exposure that which has made my brain twisted?
Or was I born with this bent to love disgusting sin?
And porn is the event that shows I’m shunning Him-
Diseased and sick
Completely convinced I need this sin, I’d fiend for it
How easy the evil one deceives this twit
Cuz what I seek, digs a deeper pit!

What blasphemous nastiness
In that it’s my own ravenous savage sins that had me crash in this!
Yet I rage at the LORD with my anger galore
So hush and listen if I sound like just a victim
I’m even more a rebel from my disgusting sinning
Cuz I respond in blatant rebellion
A slave to the abominations I fell in
And since this sinner profaned His Honor
Hence the inner cold pain and trauma
Now all bottled up inside’s a lot of stuff to hide
Like rage, rotten lust and pride
Plus mixed with a big list of sicknesses
Manifested in wicked addictive sins

Angry at God—I vowed not trust Him
I’ll find escape now in the rush of lusting
Instead of turning to the Creator who made me
I prefer my own ways to be pain free
To medicate the horrendous dread within
Let me get the best pleasure as my medicine
So matter fact: I better build a wall
Around my heart so I can never feel at all!
So the result of this is an idolatrous
Autonomous, independent godless kid
To avoid pain in the deepest part within
I’ll never ever let any (one) in my heart again!

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