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Panty Rap

de Frank Zappa

FZ:
"Hello there, welcome to the show. No, we are not going to play 'Cheepnis' - that's right - but we are collecting underpants, and we are collecting brassieres, we are collecting small articles of feminine underclothing. We are making a quilt... really - trust me. So here's the deal, if you're a girl and you're wearing a dress, whip 'em off, that's it, see? No problem. Even with a pin... what does it say? 'Nobody's perfect'. I guess so... What we got here? Oh. Now let's see what's on the inside. Uh huh, trainer coos. Okay. S'more, s'more... Underpants, brassieres, just send 'em up, no problem. Oh, you'll warm up to it. If you're wearing pants and you have bikinis on underneath your pants, rip the edges and pull 'em out; if you're wearing those big old ugly cotton jobs go to the toilet and take 'em off, okay? So far, ladies and gentlemen, the response from this particular community has not been especially gratifying. Perhaps you're a little bit too intellectual here. Here's something... tasteful, very tasteful.
.. You'll get into it. Oh, some more - look - it's almost like going to a, well, never mind. Heh, heh, heh. I just want to remind you that you are in direct competition with Chicago, which so far has produced the highest yield of female underclothes of any place in the United States. Oh, here's one, thank you very much. Chicago, if you'll recall, was the town in which we received the very famous Voodoo Butter Underpants... heh, heh... the pants that nearly broke Tommy Mars' neck. As soon as he took a whiff of those, his head went back this far, and he was heard to mutter 'Jeezus'. So, we don't care what kind of condition they're in. What've we got here? 'Twat Book', okay. Uh huh, very good - Zeets, whadduya think? He already has that one... no problem, though. Well, tonight you're gonna be entertained by; Ike Willis on guitar and vocals; Tommy Mars on keyboards and 'Jeezus'. You're also going to be entertaining yourselves a little bit, but don't worry about it. Steve Vai on guitar, vocals and light blue hair"
.

IKE:
"Another contestant over there".

FZ:
"Oh, some more? Okay. Vinnie Colaiuta on booklet. Now what does this say? 'Hi Frank, how about'...what does this say? 'My hat from the...how about wearing my hat...wearing...' How about this, this is a college community, right? 'How about wearing, w-e-r-e-i-n-g never mind. Arthur Barrow on bass; Bob Harris on keyboards, high vocal trumpet and vegetables; and, ladies and gentlemen, the world-famous Ray White on guitar and vocals. Okay, you ready? One, two, three, four..."

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