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Blah Blah Blah (My Son the Vampire)

de Allan Sherman

If you're always stealing goodies from a big department store,
You need an analyst, a psychoanalyst.
If your pocket's full of little things you never owned before,
You need an analyst, a psychoanalyst.
If somebody says "Good morning," and politely tips his hat,
And you frown and say, "I wonder what he really meant by that,
If you're walking down the sidewalk and you won't step on a crack,
You're afraid if you step on a crack, you'll break your mother's back,
If you're at the Philharmonic and you start to do the twist,
You need an analyst, a psychoanalyst.
(You need an analyst, you need an analyst,
We really must insist that you see an analyst.)
If you're freezing or you're sweating from imaginary ills,
You need an analyst, a psychoanalyst.
If it takes an IBM machine to classify your pills,
You need an analyst, a psychoanalyst.
If you tiptoe into bed and you're as quiet as a mouse,
But the bed you tiptoe into is in someone else's house,
If you have a brand new raincoat, and of it you're very fond,
In fact, you'd rather be alone with it than with a blonde,
If you wear your wristwatch on your feet and stockings on your wrist,
You need an analyst, a psychoanalyst.
(You need an analyst, you need an analyst,
We really must insist that you see an analyst.)
If you're always tearing paper into teeny weeny bits,
You need an analyst, a psychoanalyst.
If you've got a secret closet full of pomegranate pits,
You need an analyst, a psychoanalyst.
If they ask you what your name is and you answer Bonaparte,
If you dig those daffy doodles that are known as modern art,
If you're walking down the street and then you stop to tie your shoes,
And you tie them to each other as you hum Saint Louis Blues,
Or if you're forty-six years old and never have been kissed,
Go kiss an analyst, a psychoanalyst.
(Go kiss an analyst, go kiss an analyst,
We really must insist that you kiss an analyst.)
If you're always having arguments when no one else is there,
You need an analyst, a psychoanalyst.
And whenever you are angry, if you kick your teddy bear,
You need an analyst, a psychoanalyst.
If you dream you've got a purple dragon next to you in bed,
And you wake up and your dragon isn't purple, it is red,
If you eat those little prizes, and you save the Crackerjacks,
If you really think they're ever gonna cut the income tax,
You need an analyst,
(You need) I need (he needs) we need
Everybody needs an analyst.

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